I have intercepted and
translated this encrypted message from Tilly’s play-n-go laptop to an
undetermined Leap Frog.
From: Commander Puppy Dog Eyes (Ottilia)
RE:
Progress of World Domination Campaign
Plans for baby world domination are proceeding on
schedule. Double agents Toopy and Binoo,
Mickey Mouse, and the Cat in Hat have successfully planted earworms in all
vicinity ADULTs (Adorner of Dinner,
Undressing, Love, and Tickles), incapacitating their ability to discover
our campaign.
In the realm of personnel (aka “cousins”), in
addition to Captain Piggytails (Elsa), Corporal Linebacker (Austin), and the Dynamic Duo of Destruction (Caleb and Eli), we have
been successful in the recruitment of new agents. The newest member of our strike force is
Private Sleepyhead (Hudson) – he is still green, but I believe he
will be a worthy addition. My personal
success has come in bringing Lieutenant Pokey Eater (London) into the
fold upon her birth this past June. As she is my uncle JJ and Auntie M’s baby
girl, we are often in close vicinity and thus I am able to help hone her
skills. She is a natural – turning her big eyes on everyone and developing
chubby ADULT kryptonite kissy cheeks, but can drink a bottle slower than any
other baby in the history of the world. I
believe it would behove us to cultivate this talent and perhaps have the
Lieutenant teach the technique to future candidates.
Upon internet research and personal
experimentation, it is confirmed that breakdown technique “SLEEP IS EVIL” has
been successful with every ADULT encountered.
Thanks to this highly effective torture device, the ADULTs will cave to
our demands ad hoc in exchange for a solid 8 hours of shut eye. Might I recommend that in preparation, we
have worldwide popcorn twists, popsicle, and arrowroot cookie factories step-up
production.
I have also come to observe there are various
subsections of the ADULT creature. There
are the parental units – these saps seem to be most at our whims. My Mommy
Shannon continues to feed and play with me, even while I see how far I can push
her with such methods as poke-in-the-eye-with-a-lego and kick-in-her-boob-hard-enough-to-invert-it,
yet she still comes back for more.
Grandparents are especially prone to “sucker”
tendencies. They will pick you up and
seem to have no qualms about sneaking babies “off-limits” foods such as ice
cream and cake. While they seem to enjoy
a weird game called golf all summer, I am looking into how to make it
unappealing to them so they will have to spend more time catering to the whims
of their tiny baby overlords. Perhaps if we make it more and more difficult,
maybe so they constantly lose the tiny balls they will lose interest? I will
keep you updated on my progress of experimentation.
Other than that, it seems like worldwide Baby
Domination is filtering down to the masses.
Treehouse TV and the Disney Jr. channel have proven to be excellent
propaganda devices. Separation from the
rest of the child race with our own Babies R Us brand is the perfect cover for
new bases of operations – nothing like hiding in plain sight! Fools!
The development of increasingly cute and irresistible baby outfits have ensured
that extra ADULT resources are spent catering to our fashion needs.
All in all, high command, we are right on schedule
here in Regina. Will keep up with the
status quo and will inform you of any changes and developments.
Merry Christmas and happy New Year to you and your
indentured servants.
Now if you’ll excuse me… it’s time for me to get a
tummy tickle.
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